Who wants to help me with a project?

My proposition is simple: help me with this project, and you will not regret it.


There will be train robberies and train wrecks.

There will be races of all sorts; car, bike, big rig, plane, train, balloon,
ostrich, etc.

There will be dinosaurs and other prehistoric beasts running a muck and battling
with tooth and nail.

There will be super heroes, super villains, and super models.

There will be WWII dog fights.

There will be talking animals and inanimate objects; all adorable as hell.

There will be shark attacks and shark hunts.

There will be epic storms and natural disasters.

There will be battles of the pistol, blade, hand, and mind.

There will be zombies, werewolves, and one or two vampires, (there are too many of
them today and they’ve gotten so lame.)

There will be boobs….

There will be moon landings, space explorations, and battles with aliens.

There will be butt-loads of ghosts, (not the gay kinds like Casper, more like the
ones you can’t see at all.)

There will be legendary battles between legendary creatures, (Loch Ness Monster Vs.
Abominable Snowman, Yetis Vs. Leprechauns, Unicorns Vs. James Earl Jones, etc.)

There will be fictional characters, good and evil, literary and film, that will come
to reality and raise hell.

There will be fights and battles that answer age old questions like “Which are better, Pirates or Ninjas?”

There will be murders, bank robberies, and kidnappings.

There will be intense sexual moments, both romantic and erotic.

There will be puppets. : )

There will be dramatic court proceedings.

There will be extreme table tennis.

There will be prison escapes, and death row shenanigans.

There will be randy sexual excursions with high school and college students.

There will be lame stereotypical moments by the lockers at school.

There will be daredevils who do stunts for glory and jackasses who do stunts for the amusement of idiots.

There will be politically thrilling moments.

There will be British spies who have sex with women that have names that can be
misconstrued as sexual innuendo.

There will be robots, good and evil, from the past and future.

There will be heartwarming sports moments involving a golden retriever in some way.

There will be KUNG FU!!!!! (and every other martial art.)

There will be vengeance and revenge.

There will be angels.

There will be demons.

There will be revolution, evolution, and ……pollution?

There will be epiphanies and enlightenments.

There will be DRAGONS!

There will be giant mutants from Planet X.

There will be Special Olympics.

There will be regular Olympics.

There will be hostage negotiations.

There will be unlikely friendships.

There will be islands with survivors.

There will be cat and mouse chases.

There will be treasure hunts.

There will be historically accurate moments.

There will be torture.

There will be evil dolls.

There will be cannibal Psychiatrists.

There will be gang wars.

There will be betrayal.

There will be robot wives.

There will be mummies.

There will be apes that talk and ride horses.

There will be witches, wizards, warlocks, elves, dwarfs, ogres, and pretty much
every mystical creature/being (except for those useless hobbits.)

There will be machete wielding goalies and nightmare haunting pedophiles.

There will be monsters in the closet and under the bed.

There will be school rivalries with slutty cheerleaders.

There will be communist soldiers that invade Michigan.

There will be stalkers.

There will be haunted houses, mansions, and caves.

There will be horror.

There will be Science Fiction

There will be action.

There will be romance.

There will be comedy.

There will NOT be romantic comedy….

There will be a rip in the space time continuum due to the complete and total chaos (with a hint of utter mayhem), and all of time will thrust together in one moment. Every war ever fought, EVER, will suddenly be occurring all at once. Every good moment and bad moment will be simultaneous in nature. Every drop of blood that was ever spilled as a result of violence will flood the world as every person who has ever lived spirals into a delirious death. Because of this, both Jesus and Satan will appear on Earth and begin the battle to end all battles and John Williams’ “Duel of the Fates” will sound throughout the globe as they fight to the finish.

It will star everyone in existence. It will have a soundtrack comprised of every hit Rock song from 1960 to 1990. It will include every genre and plot. It will be the greatest movie ever, and it will be titled as such (seeing as how it is the only name fitting and worthy of said film.) And we will sit and watch “The Greatest Movie Ever” and we will instantly orgasm as the film begins. Tears will be jerked. Ribs will be tickled. Guts will be wrenched. Minds will be blown. Bones will be broken. Bowels will be moved. The epic grandness of it will bring about the end of the world, as we all perish, watching “The Greatest Movie Ever.”

What a way to die….

Oh, and the only person not in the movie is Owen Wilson, and he won't be watching it either, so he will be the last man on Earth; miserable without anyone to rant to like an asshole. : )

“The Greatest Movie Ever”
In theaters everywhere, December 21, 2012.

Proof that Women are just as shallow as men! (test yourself)

Recent discussions have spawned curiosity about male and female relations. Apparently, "there are no good men" in the world and we are all shallow, heartless dogs. I, however, believe that women are JUST as shallow, if not more so than men. Don't get me wrong, there are definitely shallow men out there, that's a fact. But that's not what this is about. This is about the women who think that only men are shallow. I have an experiment, and I would like for any woman/girl/lady who reads this to participate. Answer the following questions HONESTLY, and then read the conclusion. Age, location, "being in love with the person in question' and 'knowing someone' are NOT factors in answering these questions. Also, I use the word "I" as in referring to "myself", but I'm not, I'm referring to the "sample men" that are described in each question, so I, David Doughty, am also NOT a factor in the test, so don't use it as an excuse to cheat. Note: I am not one of the close-minded people I speak of. Unlike *SOME* women (AND men, of course), I don't create an ultimate discrimination of an entire gender and I'm aware that not *ALL* women think in the way I am describing. That's what this test is for. If you are a shallow woman (and trust me, alot of you are), then I can prove that. But if you aren't, then you have nothing to fear, and you can prove to yourself that you aren't a narrow-minded hypocrite. :D

1. I walk up to you and say, "You are very pretty and intelligent; you are very important to me, and I would take a bullet for you. Would you go out with me?" I am quite unattractive, and very unappealing. What is your answer?

2. I walk up to you, slap you on your behind, give it a pinch and say, "You are ugly, nobody likes you, but I'm a nice guy, I'll let you date me to make you look good. What do you say, slut?" I am still quite unattractive. Maybe even Gilbert Gottfried ugly. What is your answer?

3. I walk up to you and say, "You are very pretty and intelligent; you are very important to me, and I would take a bullet for you. Would you go out with me?" I'm very cute and handsome, maybe even dreamy. What is your answer?

4. I walk up to you, slap you on your behind, give it a pinch and say, "You are ugly, nobody likes you, but I'm a nice guy, I'll let you date me to make you look good. What do you say, slut?" I am a gorgeous version of your 'dream guy'; handsome, etc. What is your answer?




Now, I know every one of you has answered differently, but I guarantee that these are the average answers:

1. No
2. No
3. Yes
4. Maybe

Here are the "sample men" in Laymen's terms:

1. Unattractive polite guy who would die for you.
2. Unattractive douchebag who treats you like garbage.
3. Sexy polite guy who would die for you.
4. Sexy douchebag who treats you like garbage.

Now, questions 2 and 3 are pretty much acceptable. Why not? There is nothing wrong with rejecting a guy who treats you like garbage, or ACCEPTING a guy who would die for you. Therefore, they are NOT being used to determine your test results. So, we have two sample men left, 1 and 4.

1. Unattractive polite guy who would die for you.
4. Sexy douchebag who treats you like garbage.

If you answered the following questions with the following answers, then YES, you are a shallow woman:

1. No
4. Yes/Maybe

Now, think about this. Is it politically correct to say "He is a very well-spoken black man?" No. It should be "He is a very well-spoken man." The fact that he is black is irrelevant to his public speaking ability. Now, for the shallow women, let's pretend for a minute that you AREN'T shallow, and you don't pay attention to a guys looks and base your decision primarily upon what a guy looks like; whereas the fact that a man is black has no bearing on his speaking ability, the fact that a man (or woman) is attractive or unattractive is irrelevant to how much of a good person they are especially when it comes to romance. So, let's view your results without the "appearance variable"....

1. You would NOT date a polite guy who would die for you.
4. You WOULD/MIGHT date douchebag who treats you like garbage.

Now, tell me how in the HELL does that make any damn sense?

Ladies and gentlemen, the theory has become a fact. For, it has been proven that the lady can be just as shallow as the gentleman.

And remember:

"A person doesn't have to be perfect to be the perfect person for YOU...."

- Dr. Elliot Reed

The Geek Hierarchy

Like most geeks, I've often pondered exactly WHAT kind of geek I was. So, even though I'm sure there are hundreds of these floating around the web, I've decided to make my own list of Geekatude, and share it with you all.

First, let me define the word "Geek" and clarify the difference between "Geek" and "Nerd". A nerd is intelligent and book smart. Nerds do math and shit like that. Geeks are an entirely different world. Like nerds, we are usually pretty intelligent, but instead of reciting Shakespeare and memorizing Trigonometry, we have a vast knowledge of ridiculous/irrelevant pop-culture and pop-culture references.

GEEKS:

Common Geek: These geeks are pretty average. They game pretty often and read comics every now and then. The know a good bit about certain "geekish" things like Star Trek/Wars and Dick Tracy, and all that other good stuff. They know what the Beetle Borgs are and they can list the names of every Power Ranger. The common geek may not even look like a geek. Common geeks may include band geeks (school band members who know have a great musical aptitude), bleeks (black geeks), or geekoids, (anti-social geeks--pretty much the only geek that is ACTUALLY lame). Common geeks are pretty neat, and they have just the right amount of weirdness that makes them unique enough to be accepted as their own seperate personality.

Geek Knights: While geekoids are the lamest classification, the more intense the geek-o-meter gets, and the higher you crawl up the hierarchy, the lamer you get. The geek knight is willing to dress to meet his fantasy; whether it's squeezing into an Enterprise uniform or wearing the Medieval armor his/her mom made them. Geek Knights are somewhat fluent in Klingon, and can list every episode of The Simpsons. Geek knights use words like "hither" and "resplendent." They carry at least one die with at least 9 sides....just in case an individuals fate and destiny needs to be chosen on the spot. These geeks usually hang around hotspots called "geek-centrals." They are OK in small doses, given the fact that they are actually pretty epic, (on a comedic level.)

Geekzilla: These geeks live by the die, and die by the dice. WoW? DnD? Mere mothergooseries compared to the caverns forged by these professional losers. Balding with a pony tail and goatee, they glare through their tiger striped spectacles at the mortals that pass their Batcave of Solitude. Sporting their Yoda Vs. Spock t-shirt, and solving two Rubik's puzzle cubes at once, these geeks can recite dialogue from any moment in any science fiction movie and tell you the exact minute and second when boobs are shown on the screen. As they update their Battle star Galactica fan web site and squeeze into their Han Solo outfit, they prepare for their Ultimate Star Wars Space Chess Tournament at the Malls Bi-Mon-Sci-Fi-Con, (Bi-monthly Science Fiction Convention.) While they are there, they buy a pair of Ertha Kitt's used panties and Farah Fawcett's hairy brush to add to their "collection." Do NOT anger this geek. They WILL be challenge you to a Trivia-off. You WILL have no choice but to dual. And you WILL be crushed and humiliated. This geek has "no time for friends" and has "sworn to remain celibate" for the greater good of mankind. Let us thank him for his bravery. Stay the course, Geekzilla....stay the course....


THE END